Personal Sovereignty

Ten years ago, September 26th, I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I moved out of my home, said goodbye to a 25-year marriage, and started a cascade of events that affected not only myself, but also the eight souls that made up the nucleus of my family.

This move required nothing less than a commitment to an unseen force that comes from within…there was nothing else I could fall back on or trust.  Getting to that point was a long bumpy road, full of tentative unknowns and unsecured hopes, and although the path I was walking felt more like hacking through a dense jungle with a pocket knife, I knew it was the way to move forward.

The process was lonely, refining and painful.  But what I came to realize was at the end of the day my decisions need to be made with integrity, knowing I could stand next to myself as a true support.  This allowed me to face all the unknowns with courage and trust what I was doing.  I firmly believe that when I do what is in the highest and best for myself, it ripples out to others – especially those who my choices will affect.  I can own my decisions with honesty and clarity and step into the consequences without trying to veil anything. 

I was nearing the eight-year mark of intense therapy, recovering memories and putting chunks of traumatic experiences together that surrounded my involvement with satanic ritual abuse from family, church and community.  This environment made the situation of physically moving out of my home especially lonely as I felt I had no one I could ask for help.  Over the years I had narrowed my friendships and had cut off all relationship with my birth family and in-laws since members on both sides were connected to my abuse as perpetrators or reporters within the cult. 

Trekking through the needed actions with moving called up some very primal energy as I followed the impulses and logic guiding me.  After the movers, the apartment, the deposits, and the date, were in place, I worked and processed many emotions for a few weeks.  As the date came closer, I started the process of telling my kids and husband I’d be moving out and we would be making new living arrangements.  The entire thing was intense and stressful.

Just a day after the move my husband came over to my new home and asked if there was any way we could work things out.  I stood there dumbfounded.  I asked him why he hadn’t asked me that question a year prior when I told him I wanted a divorce. Why didn’t it come up when we had spent months in couples therapy and family therapy? Why wasn’t that question present in our divorce discussions.  And his response was, “I didn’t think you’d go through with it.” 

I don’t know if I was more shocked or insulted.  Linked arm in arm with his request to work things out was a very real marginalization of who I was.  It seemed clear that I was never taken seriously – until I destabilized his anchored world.  And although my heart softened at his sincerity, I was done.  There was no going back.  I had nothing inside to re-do because so much went into getting where I now was and this process was not done flippantly.  Six months later our divorce was final. 

 Since that day, I have met and lived with natural outcomes and challenges that stem from dissolving a marriage.  I learned that everyone in the family was looking at the divorce from his or her own lens and each of those views were real - there was not just one truth, there were eight.  I navigated my ex-husband’s hurt and anger as well as my own.  I learned that my kids’ fears were intensified because of the belief that I had been re-accessed and reconditioned by the cult.  And although that wasn’t true, their fears needed time to be felt and worked out, knowing all I could do was be my authentic, messy self and allow the time required for them to trust me again…if ever.  

 I have traveled a very real road of survival, recognizing how I had been conditioned by the social dynamic of a woman’s reliance on her husband to provide for the family and my agreement to that role.  I experienced the devaluing of a woman through the eyes of a system that allowed my husband to feel justified in claiming I owned nothing because I didn’t contribute to the family financially.   As a stay at home mom, I had over 20 years of experience of excellent mothering and home management, but no references for a resume that would demonstrate workforce skills for a well paying job.  This new dynamic of providing for myself led me deep into realms of my subconscious loaded with toxins like entitlement, lack, fear, unworthiness, anger, and hopelessness.  I saw life reflecting all of these back to me through experiences that ranged from homelessness to business ownership and a sundry of other things in-between. 

Mixed within this past decade were human relationships that taught me about myself, unveiling more and more as I danced between personal connection, community involvement and self imposed isolation. I gradually saw my part in the nuances of each relationship and how I contributed to its dissonance or its harmony.  I recognized the co-dependence in my marriage and how I looked to others after it ended for protection or a place to hide.  I saw how I doubted myself, how I didn’t trust my abilities and how it undermined me each time.  As I’ve learned all of this I see I’ve become curious instead of defensive, honest instead of avoidant, and kinder all around.  I am truly grateful for each person and our experiences together. 

Now ten years later I can see the journey from a perspective with clearer eyes and deeper wisdom.  When I left, I dubbed this date as my “Sovereignty Day” to celebrate what I needed to celebrate in that moment and every year thereafter.  I have lived a very thorough unraveling where brutal honesty, courage and joy have been present.  I have cried rivers and shed layers of pain.  I have rebuilt new relationships – especially with my kids - from a foundation that is genuine to each of us.  I have learned to respect the work my ex-husband put into providing for his family from a new level, as one who has punched a clock as well as from the eyes of an entrepreneur.  I have learned the definition of self-trust and personal authority and have employed a powerful partnership between my soul and my body.

This rite of passage is only one version of the hero’s journey so many of us can relate to.  Where we are now is not where we were ten years ago.  The demand for discernment and self-trust is exponentially greater.  Lessons from the past have trained and refined us. The learning curves are flattening and the calls to action are requiring full contact and spiritual presence.  Courage and conscious participation are needed to play full-in, facing false belief systems that have woven themselves into our identities, questioning propaganda designed to isolate and confuse, and disabling the attacks aimed at self value.  It’s an incredible path to trod, and one to celebrate moment by moment.